I'm going to rape someone's good day.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
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