Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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