I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
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Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think a kid would responsible me up
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
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Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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