Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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