i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
