The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
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I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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