He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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