the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
