hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
