We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
And then my night got REAL pukey
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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