I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Randomize
