Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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