Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
