Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
