she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
