I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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