Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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