Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
