I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
