I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
