I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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