now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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