I wish I could teleport
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
