oh god the rape fog is back!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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