it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
