she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
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