The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
