life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
