Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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