When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
