Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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