You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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