Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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