I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
