I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
