So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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