she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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