I smell stomach acid.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
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I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
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I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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