I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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