people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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