kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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