did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
