I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
