you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
