Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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