Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
