You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
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