someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize