He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
