We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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