Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
