i really wish james franco would like my vagina
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
