Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
