atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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